Good tidings of comfort and joy to one and all in the behemoth of Madden Leagues - the mighty S M L.
As we have arrived at the festive season i have put together my legendary annual award nominees below. And, just to ensure i am not swarmed upon by Santa's terrifying green army, small in stature, big on courage (sounds a bit like Brza's mob) i think its important to keep with the spirit of the time of year.
So, below are my nominees, some totally genuine, some not so genuine - and some just downright sarcastic! Without further ado, the nominees are:-
The Rudolph 'extra bright youngster award':-
Detroit RB Algrenon Nelson. Chicago CB Mario Brown. Buffalo QB Rijo Garnett. 9ers LE Detchauz Walker.
My favourite has got to be Algrenon - just because his parents had a sense of humour.
The 'Older than Tradition Itself' award:-
Chicago Julius Peppers. Oakland Kurt Warner. 9ers Pat Willis. Raiders HC Oss. Ok - i know Willis isn't that old but he just seems to have been around for ever.
The 'light'em up like a 40 ft spruce' award:-
Detroits Megatron. Bears QB Cutler. Vikes HB AP. Phillys DJax. These guys have been putting up big numbers since SML began. I like Cutler here, never had the best protection and has to manage his own HC as well as the PB.
The 'just what i wanted' award:-
Packers / Eagles trade for WR Jeremy Maclin. Eagles / Titans trade for Griffin. The Birds have been busy in the 'WTF Trade' area - why let Maclin go??? And The Titans then make a similar gift by trading one of the best FS's around - Michael Griffin - both for nothing of real substance in return. The big winner here - Green Bay!
The 'McDonalds Fast Food Offense' award:-
Chicago. The Bears allegedly put instant coffee in a microwave to speed it up. The Bears dont trade WR's if they are below 95 speed - they shoot them. The only Bears offensive players who have partners are either linemen or gay - "quick" is not always good.
Fortunately for the rest of the league, just like McDonalds food, the Bears offense is spectacular .... in very, very short & expensive bursts.
The 'Best Xmas Decorations' award:-
Easy one really, ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce you to the most stunning visual extravaganza since Cindy Crawford hit 18 ................... AfroDizzyMacs headwear.
The 'Santa's Evil Accomplice' award:-
Now, i know a few people are genuinely in the running for this one, but i've narrowed it down to a few HC's who fit the bill of someone who appears nice, acts generously and only works one month a year, namely Titans LT and 9ers Pastinator. These guys worry me, all sweetness and light then blam! they blow you out - more dark side here than Darth Maul. Special mention for LT though, he seems to know where all the naughty girls live.
The 'Ebenezer Scrooge' award:-
Commish Brza, Raiders supremo OSS, Bears Bishbosh. Trying to trade with these guys gives you 3 very different strategies to deal with. Brza is probably more 'Scrooge' as his trades tend to ensure his Eagles not only get a top player, but a big financial windfall too. OSS is the maddest trader around - this is the guy who has routinely offered a 3rd round pick for an elite superstar. And Bishbosh, well, if you ever enter into negotiations with Chicago make sure you take a legal team with you - because before you know it all your superstars will be making snowmen and you'll be left with a dozen low round draft picks, and very little of your soul intact!
The 'Bill Clinton - i did not have sexual relations' Contradictory award:-
Ok- not much to do with Xmas, but hey, i'm drinking bourbon faster than i can type. Bills Infemous, Lions Notorious and Patriots Pooky. All these guys should double up as comedians on festive TV, Bills jettison QB Ryan Fitzpatrick then sign a 64 OVR starter. Lions agree with everyone - then disagree with ..... er .... everyone. Patriots release Jeff Demps last season and are 30th ranked rush offense this season!!!
The 'Mad As A Roasted Chestnut' award:-
NYGiants play caller Jimmety, Browns boss GBDawg and Cardinals HC Scousebronco. These 3 are definitely a partridge short in their respective pear trees! Jimmety misses the draft (like, what on earth could be more important?) then trades the best RE in the lge - JPP. Plus, just in case you were unsure of his sanity level he trades for Johnny Knox (see above rules on trading with Chicago) who has more passes slip than spinal vertebrae. Then you got the Arizona Cardinals chief jumping around the rookie draft like Greg Jennings on cocaine, not to mention his apparent hatred of the most important position in football - the QB, and risking his starters by playing them for most of the pre-season is not exactly the act of a sane man. GBDawg, who is currently on a winning streak not experienced in Cleveland since ... ever, is a possible award winner purely because he doesn't like his rookie DE (imagine Julius Peppers, Jared Allen and Charlie Sheen rolled into one) and apparently dislikes WR's who can run AND catch. Maybe he should trade for Anquan Boldin, oops!
So, to all of you in the States and Europe i wish you a healthy and prosperous season. To those of you in the North East of England, i hope you can stay out of prison long enough to last the season after your Christmas 'shopping'.
God bless us, every one. Especially me.